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Great title right? Yes. I put my deodorant on this morning. No. I do not have a fever. And no. I did not eat something bad for dinner last night. I am sweaty right now because I just made this site and my Facebook page public. It is a big thing to put something, like my faith and my life, out there for everyone to see. Sure. I have my personal Facebook and Instagram where I will occasionally post things about myself or how the family is doing. This is different. I am single-handedly proclaiming my faith in God and leaving myself open and vulnerable to posts, comments, and strong opinions in favor of or in opposition of the things that I am sharing. It's like that dream where you are standing in front of a group of people in your underwear and you have that nervous tummy. You are sweating from every palm, pit, and pore on your body wondering, "What in the heck am I doing?! I'm nuts and all of these people are laughing at me!" What I am doing is following what is on my heart. I cannot deny what I feel I am being asked to do, which is to share what I know to be truth and how that truth, feeds into every aspect of my life. Those aspects can be good, bad, ugly, REALLY ugly, joyful, scary, momentous, or mundane. That's the beauty of life though. We, as women and people, experience those aspects every day of our every day life. It's how we choose to view what life brings us and how we respond to those things, that defines what we get out of it all. Just yesterday, I wanted to lay in bed all day and bury my head in the sand, pretending that I didn't have therapy to go to or the need to conquer the battlefield that was Costco (that is like an accomplishment all in itself, getting in and out of Costco alive). I had to wrestle with some very real feelings of doubt, sadness, pain, confusion, all mixed with feelings of happiness and promise. It was like emotional soup. But I got up, I got dressed, and I fought through the day. I spent time reading my Bible while the kids were getting ready for school. I found enjoyment in having a nice hot cup of coffee and driving to my appointments in the sunshine. I fought back the temptations to call it quits and sulk for the day. Although difficult, my day was full of little joyful moments. Spending time with my husband, doing yardwork, finding some good finds at Costco. All while knowing that God walked with me through it all. I found strength in prayer. I lamented to the Lord about all of the feelings I had and wondering how to work through them. I chose to walk in the light of the day instead of hiding in the corners of darkness that tempted me. That's the beauty in all of the choices we can make. We can choose the light. We can choose to lean on someone who has greater strength. We can choose faith. I choose faith. But I'm still sweaty writing this as my phone is pinging with new site visitors. Exciting! Scary! Nervous tummy! But beautiful all the same. So, thank you.

My husband sent me this when he went hunting a few months ago. They didn't get anything but with views like this and the company he shared, it seemed worth it. At least to me. This beauty is indescribable.

I may have failed at guarding the goats and am scared of the rain, wind, and electric toothbrushes, but maybe my job is to just guard food and my humans.

These protein gems are great for a quick breakfast or after-school snack. I enjoy their pancake mixes, but for the kids, this is something they can easily make for themselves. Add a splash of milk or water, stir, pop in the microwave, voila! Done. Low cost to feed the bottomless pits that are our teen and pre-teen but full of protein. https://kodiakcakes.com/products/double-dark-chocolate-minute-muffin?gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwztOwBhD7ARIsAPDKnkDnSriGVMFYAMFU1sVri0sSFr5iN6X9vhFC2xJzfnkyeDdznhvV2SoaAjRHEALw_wcB Image courtesy of: Kodiak Cakes

You. Must. Buy. These. Seriously. Every person in our house loves them. Super yummy for bigs and littles. Individual packs for on the go or in lunches. My husband takes them in his lunch. I found them at my local Costco but couldn't locate the link on the Costco site (if anyone finds it, add it to the comments). I did find a link to them on Amazon: https://a.co/d/aoa2J22

Easter was full of sun, a neighborhood egg hunt, four services of amazing worship, and time with all of our family and friends over food and laughter.

This song MUST be the theme song for this site. It is everything light, beauty, uplifting, love, joy. https://open.spotify.com/track/5RjuwxWI5lA6v1ltg00G8o?si=b0dad0f2110944ab "Lovelight" by Citizens from their album i can't find the edges of you. Image from:https://wearecitizens.store/products/i-cant-find-the-edges-of-you-vinyl

I'm a creature of habit. I like to sit in the same seat when I write these posts. The same seat where I do my schoolwork, my devotionals, and the daily Wordle. This morning though, I'm switching it up (real risk taker, I know!). I'm seated at my daughter's chair at our dining room table, taking in her perspective of what she sees when she sits here. She's a newly minted teenager. She is intelligent, so very kind and compassionate, has a merciful heart, and a well-timed sense of humor. She is respectful and very observant. She absorbs the vibes of the environment around her and is keen on picking up on how others feel. A true empath. She is a gift. But she is also an enigma. She is a lot like her father. Quieter, introspective, a processor of emotions before expression, a creative mind, like the artists they both are. She is a peacekeeper, for better or worse. There are many things in this world that she knows are wrong and hurtful, but to keep the peace, she will respond with subduedness, not wanting to upset others. I love all of those things about her but I can see that there is a lion waiting to roar inside of her. I know that she knows the rights and the wrongs. She will point them out and say so. I can feel the waves of righteousness rise up in her but she will quiet them back down, unsure of how to express them. She is a quiet warrior. You can feel her, standing at the precipice of roaring from the top of her lungs, but still, she doesn't know yet how to roar in courage. To roar in courage means standing in what is right, knowing the words to express the emotions, being confident to stand against that fear, to trust in what she believes and who she is. Who she is, is the exact daughter God knew that I needed. She didn't come to me by birth, but she is everything that I didn't know I was without. She is worth the relentless pursuit. I heard this song one day, https://open.spotify.com/track/3u3W95qs2ORC9OXc3H6vfX?si=069f4de78b494445, Relentless Pursuit by Kim Walker-Smith and Skylar Smith. Immediately my heart had a vision of my daughter. Some nights later, I had a dream. She was standing in between me and her biological mom. She had to leave me. As she slowly walked away, she stopped, turned to me. Fear was in her eyes, pleading for her not to go. I felt the deepest sadness in my heart as I saw her, scared, torn, wanting to turn away but unable to. Then, as she was looking right at me, she started singing Relentless Pursuit. The loudest I have ever heard her. It wasn't just singing. She was stamping the words on my heart telling me that for her and to help her, it was a relentless pursuit after her and after God. If you listen to the song, you will know. You will feel. I felt. I heard. I haven't forgotten. This wasn't just a dream. I believe wholeheartedly God was talking to me. She is everything I never knew I needed. For her, I will relentlessly pursue. I will be her lion until she finds and trusts the one inside of her. I will pray for her to know courage, to have the words, to feel safety in being bold, and for the strength to continue to pursue. There is no place so dark that I would not go for her. There is no lesson I wouldn't learn to teach her. There is no power in this world that could keep me from saving her. I know where I place my trust. I know where I find my hope. I know that God called me to be her Mama to pursue her, to help her roar, to help her soar, to help her feel freedom in courage and confidence. She is my relentless pursuit.

https://open.spotify.com/track/06wGC1ovyS1gupETqNcC91?si=2a5e280d395e4704 I came across the group Citizens on one of my daylists on Spotify. A daylist is a playlist Spotify puts together based on what you have been listening to or suggests new material. This song "Relent" is from their album "A Mirror Dimly" back in 2016 but I felt attracted to the to the ebb and flow of the music as it moved from softly spoken to bright to building to finishing strong and then quietly. The lyrics are powerful in truth and the realization to relent to a life that isn't ours to live but to give it all over to the One that matters. Give it a listen. Image from: https://www.merchbar.com/pop/citizens/citizens-saints-mirror-dimly-vinyl-record

https://www.rowecasaorganics.com/collections/sets-bundles/products/sleep-bundle-4-piece I cannot say enough amazing things about this company, Rowe Casa Organics. Sleep is a tricky thing around here with my husband working nights, I'm in school, the kids may or may not be tired at bedtime and the dogs, well, they always throw us for a loop. I needed something for everyone. So, I did some research and found Rowe Casa Organics. A family run business in Texas with the mission to share their love of natural products with everyone. In the bundle, the Tart Cherry helps to regulate the natural melatonin cycle, I use the calming spray on all the beds before bedtime (even dog beds), the roller smells and works fantastically, and the magnesium gel is so helpful for aches and pains. You can buy the bundle or each item separately. Check out all of the awesome things that they have to offer. Plus, their shipping is so speedy and their customer care is on point.

Mama is what my two kids call me. They chose that name for me. A name I treasure being called. You see, my kids are my kids but they aren't my kids. In this thing called life, I have never birthed children of my own. Although it has been a deep desire of mine to carry a child in my womb and although I can, God had other plans. His plan was for me to be able to share all of my love with my step-kids, Olivia and Wolfgang. I met my husband almost a year after I left a relationship of seven years. I wanted nothing more than to be a wife and to be a mom. I had so much love to give and wanted desperately to care for others. My puppy, a yellow lab named Trigger, was my love and my best friend at the time but as much as I wanted to just cuddle him, that lab loved a yellow tennis ball more than all else. Sadly, I have to protect many details of my family for there is a strong spiritual warfare that wages on that we continue to battle. That does not diminish the beauty or the strength of the story of the four of us coming together. It was completely under God's design that we exist. From the beginning, it felt like I had known my husband for forever. That we always were. It was the same feeling with the kids. They would say to me, "It feels like we have known you forever." The two of them were the ones that went to my husband one day earlier in our relationship, and asked him if they could call me "mom". It was the wisdom of my husband that discerned that although he knew they loved me as mom, they already called another mom. The story goes, they pondered for a bit and threw out some ideas before settling on "mama". Mama. It means Mom. It is just semantics. It is the love, the purpose, the emotions, the intent behind the name that is what matters. For many of us that are not the "natural" mothers of the children we care for, we are placed into a different category of "parent", of "mother". It is a painful differentiation in the world. One that truly doesn't grasp that a love so strong, a desire to protect loved ones at all costs, and a fierceness that burns deeply, does not rest in being the one that births a child. It is something that exists by God's hand in all forms of motherhood. Whether that is being a mother to an adopted or fostered child, a grandparent raising a grandchild, a dear friend or godparent that helps to raise another's children, or a step parent that has wonderfully inherited the blessing of children, mom, mama, mommy, it is all the same. The name is rooted in the love that God has given between a child and a parent. As their Mama, I would do anything for them, fight any battle, wipe away any tear, pray a million prayers, or hold them until the end of time. I would give my life for theirs if it meant saving them. That is exactly what God did for us in giving us his son, Jesus. We are saved through a Father's love. A gift from the Holy Spirit sent to a woman who would become the mother of our Savior. A choice she did not choose but a gift she was given and accepted. John 3:16-17- "16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. 17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him" (ESV). God sent himself to us in the form of flesh and bone, to sacrifice himself to save us all from sin. We get to choose to call him Father. We get to choose to follow him. Just as our children choose to call us by a name and follow us in wisdom and guidance, we follow the Lord. His name and his love alone can save no matter which of his chosen names you call him by. God. Jesus. Holy Spirit. Mom. Mama. Mommy. It isn't just a name. It is the love, the sacrifice, the tender care, the protection, the promise that is behind each word as it passes our lips and the lips of our children. What's a "Mama"? It is a name that is given and driven by God's love. A child.

As I write this, I am looking at my three dogs (a Great Pyrenees, a heeler, and a yellow lab), wondering, why in the world can't you just sit still?! I just let them out literally half an hour ago. We have already played fetch to the point that I got tired watching them run back and forth. You have already eaten, pooped, had a gallon of water, and sniffed every corner of our property. What could you possibly need? Their restlessness can cause me to feel restless. Did I miss something? Am I wrong for making them wait to go outside? Why am I anxious all of a sudden? Stop ringing the bells to be let out! I tried the doggy calm down spray with every calming oil I own. I tried fluffing their dog beds and all the pillows on the couch for their comfort (heaven forbid they ever lay on the hardwood floor like an actual dog). I tried calming music. I've petted you until my leggings are covered in all the fur. Tell me what you need! Some times I wish they could just speak and tell me exactly what they need so that I can just solve the problem and we could all move on. I mean, they speak in their barks and whines and sighing, but I never took Doggy Language 101 in high school. Can't they be more like the cats? Feed me. Pay me attention when I want. Give me a sunny spot to sleep twenty hours out of the day. Don't touch me unless I touch you first. Whether it be the dogs, kids, life, school, the workout equipment, or just the ever ending list, they all keep calling out for attention. I just want to yell, "Can't you just sit still?!" Matthew 6:25-27- "25 Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?" (ESV). Anxiety is ever present in our lives from a subtle hum in our bodies to a crippling fear that keeps us from discovering what God has called us to. I have known the company of the crippling anxiety and it held me captive. I lost myself, my focus in life, and the truth that God had it all in the palm of his hands. It was through my time digging into the Word, praying and talking to God, and talking to others, that I found I was wasting my hours by worrying about things that God had already taken care of. He has shown me peace in understanding that his ways are higher than mine and all that I do is for his glory. This can seem almost impossible if you are in the midst of scary or dark or uncertain times. Or even in times of feeling like you are on top of the world and need nothing from God because you are controlling it all. Hold fast to and believe in the certainty that God is here, with you always, and will never leave your side. John 14:27- "27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid" (ESV). Peace is the enemy of anxiety. When we are anxious, when we question God, when we try and control all the steps of life, we welcome in fear. We can fall victim to believing in the empty and meaningless promises of life and the false belief that we do not need God. But when we stand firm in prayer, in spiritual community, in the knowledge of the word that God brought us peace, we can face the anxious, the unknown, and remember that God is in control. So when I feel anxious because I want to pull at my hair and say to the dogs, to life, to the expectations of the world, "Can't you just sit still?!", I sit in God's presence as I pray for his peace to wash over me. For his will to be done and for all I do to be in his glory. To turn away from anxiety and the temptation of the enemy by knowing deeply that only through God, I find my peace and purpose. Can't I just sit still? Yes. Yes, I can. Can you just sit still? Yes. Yes, you can. We can sit still in the love and the goodness of God.