This Here is the Real and the Raw
- nichollambrecht
- Aug 16, 2024
- 3 min read
Most days I can put it all together and you wouldn't know the deep struggles. Truthfully, I feel deep joy and gratitude many days. There is so much to be thankful for.
But there is that undercurrent of dealing with the truth of something horrible that happened to me almost a year ago. And I find myself sitting here doing my normal morning things overwhelmed by a tidal wave of deep emotion.
Tears roll down my cheeks and drip into my coffee. I wax and wane between letting it all rise to the surface or telling myself I will deal with it later and push it back down.
I mean, it's been almost a year. That should be enough time right?
No.
There is no timeline when trauma, pain, change, and grief are all inner-connected.
Everyone else gives me grace in saying I am where I should be, so why can't I give myself that same grace?
If anyone told me the story that I tell others (mind you, when I do speak of it, it is a very abbreviated version with my brain leaving out so many of the memories not yet dealt with), I would tell that person, give yourself time, grace, love, and the space to heal.
Here I am though, warring between taking that time and pressing ahead into the productivity patterns that I know so well thinking I should have this all conquered and move on.
This is ugly. This is so very difficult. This has been nothing like I thought.
But then again, when do we plan for tragedy?
This is me, sitting here at my breakfast table, windows open, catching the wafting scent of my roses and freshly watered grass, heart pounding, tears welling, stomach in knots, clenched jaw, fingers feverishly flying over the keyboard just pouring out the first thoughts that come to mind.
That's the mind of someone that is still neck deep in the trenches of figuring out the landscape of still uncharted territories. Everyone's trauma, everyone's tragedies, everyone's life-changing moments both pleasant and not, lead us to these uncharted territories.
We aren't sure where our next steps will lead after a parent has passed, a loved one is diagnosed with a terrible illness, we lose a job, a home, a relationship.
We aren't sure where our next steps will lead after we get accepted into school, we start a new job, we come to church for the very first time or the first time in a long while.
Most days, I'm not sure. I'm not sure if anyone wants to hear again about my nightmares, my constant pain, my fears, my tears.
I'm not sure how much to tell someone.
I'm not sure how much I can trust my body.
I'm not sure when "normal" will be normal again.
What I am sure of though is that there is so much beauty and love in my life every day that I receive from my husband, my kids, my family, my friends, my animals, from God.
Darkness may cloud our minds, our bodies, our situations, but in it all, there is light, there is love, there is a promise. Those are the things to hold tight to when the waves crash over us. When the deep feels deeper than it ever has, there is a God that holds tightly to us through it all, pulling us to him to feel again.
Do not ever give up. Do not ever let the fear of where our next steps go be greater than the truth that there is a purpose in each step and a purpose that we each have yet to fulfill.
If you ever feel that the deep is too deep, that the dark is too dark, or the steps are too difficult, reach your hand out. There is a God willing to take it and never let go. There is always somewhere to turn. There is always someone to help.
Let those that want to love and listen do so.
We are never alone.
We are never unloved.
We are never less than.
We are more than enough.
We will rise through the storms to feel that light, that love, that promise.
We are enough.
I am enough.
"Hold Onto Me"
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